I hate being up at 5:30 in the morning, yet here I am. I was asleep briefly but awoke to my roommate's return. I sat and told him about my night. I said, at the end, "Fucked up, right?"
He retorted with "I don't even think there is a word to describe your night."
Tonight was to be one of impressions. Tonight was the first time I had ever been drinking with my new coworkers. They have been trying to get me to go out for a while, so it was a bit of a big deal. I wanted to make a first impression since it would be the first time they would see my without my uniform on. The occasion was the work christmas party. I debated for a long time whether or not I should bring a date. I decided to slightly by a matter of chance.
After our "breakup," Jackie and I had vowed to continue spending time together. I had all but given up on her as our last couple of encounters were either not festive or were simply nonexistent. One night, I spoke to Derek about how I had completely rid myself of women and was happy as it made life less complicated. The next day, low and behold, Jackie had written on my facebook wall "I miss you, you need to call me :(" At this point, I had decided to refrain from bring a date to the party. I didn't want to bring anyone who has not an extension of my personality. I had considered some attractive friends to bring as escorts, but I realized that all that would be is me showing them off. Ironically, the only person that I tried to ask was Jackie. She had ignored my call at the time. Long story short, I asked her to come, and she said yes.
We met up at 2. I had told her to come at 1, wanting her to show up at 2. It worked like clockwork. I still laugh inside when I think about it. We went to my house in Maryville to spend time with my parents and build gingerbread houses. It was sweet, to throw in a pun of sorts. We left for the party, and Jackie was nervous. She had dressed up, as usual, and I knew she would be the most beautiful girl at the party. She was. All eyes were on her, and I was proud to have brought her in. We mingled a little bit, but mostly we sat and talked to one another. I introduced her to my friends.
This is where the interesting part starts.
One of my managers is a total lady killer. His name is Shady. We once spoke about both of us having gone to Ray's (Jackie's workplace) on the same day and having not run into eachother. This will seem more humorous down the road, but I was there to ask out Jackie for this party. I wondered, at that time, if he had ever met Jackie. When I introduced them, I felt something weird come over me. Shady had an air about him. I wondered if it was because he was looking at a beautiful girl and his hormones were kicking in. I disregarded it. Later on, Jackie came to me and said "I have to tell you something. I know Shady." Apparently, Shady had been coming into Ray's a lot recently trying to get with Jackie. She of course knew better than to hang out with a smooth talker like him. As it turns out, he, at one point, was going to ask Jackie to be his date for this party. Through conversation, they discovered the relationship between us three. Jackie explained to me that there was nothing to worry about. I know in my heart that it is true.
The night went on, and the party ended up at Baily's. We all drank shots as a group. We all got drunk. Jackie and I played pool next to our coworkers. Shady would continually flirt with Jackie in front of me, which is dismissible since I know how he is. I am used to it since it is her Job to flirt with boys and she is one of the premier beauties in Knoxville (while Shady is one of the premier players). However, it starts to become irritating because of how it reflects on me. All of my coworkers are watching Shady hit on my date and her flirt back. I am embarrassed. When I imagined Jackie as my date, I imagined her wrapped about my arm and becoming more enthralled with me as the night went on (how foolish of me). One of her friends showed up, and we all sat together. Her friend happened to be one who she will make out with while they are drunk. Some of my coworkers saw this, and of course wanted in. I endured this for about an hour while trying to make conversation with my coworkers who were overwhelmed by their hormones. Later, Jackie went to the bathroom, and we noticed that she had been gone for a while. Her friend was the first to notice that she was sitting at the bar with Shady. My heart sank and my new found insecurities settled in. I waited and waited for her to come back, but before she did, the plot thickened.
In walks Hope.
I had recently ran into hope on the highway and we had a brief text message conversation. This was followed by her friending me on facebook ( she defriended me when we broke up). She signaled for me to come over. I looked over at Jackie at the bar with Shady, and I complied. She sat and talked to me for about ten minutes. Occasionally, I would glance over at Jackie and see how close she was to Shady. I could not hide my dismay. I was a bit overwhelmed by everything that was going on. I made a noticeable gesture of sorts kin to the type of facial expressions and movements made right before crying. Hope asked if I was okay. I bluffed and said that a shot had just hit me. She bought it. She is obviously drunk. I continue to talk to Hope, but everything she says goes in one ear and out the other. I am far too preoccupied by Jackie's proximity to Shady. Finally, Jackie sits down, and I tell hope I am going to join my friends again. I tell Jackie that I want to leave because Hope is there. Really, I want to leave because Shady is there. Her first suggestion is that I leave and she stay with her friend. That does not make me feel to cozy. I tell her I want to spend time with her. Upon reflection, it makes me happy how sweet she is because, as I would later find out, she really just wanted to spend some time with her girlfriends, but she was ready to do what I wanted to do for me. We started to leave, but she said she wanted to say goodbye to Shady. Of course I said she could. However, she was taking a long time, so out of spite, I said goodbye to Hope. When I got back, She was still saying goodbye to Shady, except her and her friend were making out in front of him. Great. We left.
The ride back, upon reflection, is another reason why I love Jackie so much. As soon as we left, she put her arm around me to show me where her loyalties lie. I talked to her about how I felt about her and Shady. I was drunk and emotional, so things probably came out a little sideways. However, for a conversation that, with other people, would be a heated argument, we talked like civilized adults. Jackie's job is woo men into giving her money. She explained that all she was doing was milking a customer off the clock. If you know Jackie, you know it is true. I could argue no further. When we returned, everything seemed honkey dorey. We were supposed to go to my friend's party, but he was off the grid. We went to my room and watched movies on youtube and danced to some music. It was my favorite part of the night. We did not need words to have a good time. We just needed eachother. I did want it to end, and I did not think that it would, but her friend texted her and wanted to meet up with her. I let her go solo because I knew it was what she wanted (she invited me to come - another act of unmatched kindness). I walked her to her car. She told me to kiss her by gesturing with her lips. I obliged. She is the first girl I have ever kissed twice. She told me she would call me tomorrow and we would watch a movie. I always have my doubts, but right now, I believe her.
Before writing this, I was terribly upset about the events. Now, the events of the evening all make sense. I thought I had rid myself of women. Truly, I just had met none worth obsessing over. Jackie showed me again why I care so much for her. I hope that I will see her again today. I guess I should sleep now.
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